Geeky Fuku

Puff n Stuff

So I've complained about my apartment and such for a while, and while I'm still here for another year, I've finally started getting around to improving it a bit. I've had an old sewing machine stand that my TV rested on for ages, but it's only got so much space on it - basically only enough for the TV. This means my consoles and other stuff have been just sitting around on the floor for the last three years at my apartment. I went to IKEA on Sunday and picked up a TV stand that has some shelves and drawers so that I can now have that part of the room actually look vaguely clean. I put it together yesterday and just put the TV on this morning. I still need to actually set up the consoles and such, but the room already looks a bit better.

I also picked up a dresser at IKEA. I still need to put the dresser together, but my other major source of mess in my room is my clothes. I have a closet, but I've never really liked using it for clothes. It's got these shelves that are a bit above my head, or at least are at around eye level. Then it's got these kinda crappy poles that are pretty tight to the walls. I'd had the idea for a while that a dresser might work to keep my clothes tidy, and that was the larger reason why I stopped by IKEA in the first place.

There's still other stuff to do to make my apartment more presentable, but I'm feeling pretty good about these being a couple big issues that will be resolved once I've gotten them set up.
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    happy happy
Shocked

See change

One quip that Jim will often make after reading a post here is that my mood is usually "contemplative". He's also pointed out that for as much mental planning as I describe in my posts, my real world existence remains largely unchanged. Both of these things are true.

I think, in regards to posting and contemplation, the fact of the matter is that I don't really use this "Live Journal" as a journal of my life. Rather, I use it as a vent when the mental clutter builds up too heavily in my head. My posting mood is usually contemplative because I am usually contemplating when I feel moved to post.

When it comes to my life, I'd say that there are a variety of things going on, but procrastination and comfort definitely tend to rule over other aspects. It's interesting because I started working at Genuity at a place in my life that seemed fresh and full of possibility. I'm still working at the same facility a decade later, but it all seems stale and used up. The funny thing about working at Genuity is that it was extremely busy - the amount of work I used to do in a day is something that probably takes three to six months these days. And yet, I loved it and thrived. It reminds me of the line in Office Space that, paraphrased, goes something like "It's not that I'm lazy. I'm just not being challenged enough."

Since I've moved I think some things have happened for the better for me. Some things have been for the worse, but even then I sort of feel like they have been for the better, just because experience breeds knowledge, if you let it. Most recently, my passenger side mirror was smashed while parked on the streets in Allston. My driver's side mirror had been smashed a year or so ago, and in both cases it's been on the side of the street next to the sidewalk, so it's not just been a bad driver or narrow streets, it's definitely been a vandal of some sort. My apartment has always been a little bit of a love/hate thing as well, since I'm basically totally independant now, but the drawbacks of my room have always been somewhere in the background of my mind. Whether to move or not is always a question, but it comes closer to the forefront because sometime around the turn of the year (I think early February) for the last couple years I've gotten a letter from the landlords asking whether I want to renew or not (apparently they want something like three months lead-in if I decide to leave). So it's closing in on that time of year again, and once again I'll have to decide whether to stay or to move. I always kind of feel like moving would be the right call, but procrastination and comfort kick in and I end up staying. Ideally I'd like to find a place with parking that's got a few less traffic lights between the office and my apartment. And maybe some sort of built-in laundry and a gym or something. Guess I should take a look around.
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    contemplative contemplative
Smallrei

The 2 minute drill

I've always been a procrastinator. Some might say it's genetic, although some might also say it's taught, I suppose, but at any rate, getting around to it is something that I take my time with. Ironically, this makes it feel almost like I'm hurrying all the time, and all that hurrying makes me mentally tired and so then I let something else slack. And then it comes time for something to be done, and lo.. time to hurry again.

I was thinking recently about an ideal morning. I wake up, fire up the oven and cook some bacon and pancakes. I have myself a warm, filling breakfast, topping it off with milk and/or orange juice. I still have a couple hours before work, so I can take some leisurely time getting ready, but I'm out the door 15 minutes before I need to be and I get to work early and ready to rumble. I take on what I do at work efficiently and then once I've got some free time I read a book or somehow elsewise strengthen my brain muscle. I get home, get changed, head to the local gym, work out to keep my health up, get back home and enjoy the evening before getting to sleep, ready to start again.

In reality, I wake up about half an hour before I have to be ready for work. By the time 1pm rolls around I've hopefully at least gotten up and eaten some cold cereal (although I try to keep my cereal selection varied, at any rate). I hop in the shower, then make my way to my car that's probably parked about half a mile away. I get to work sometime around 1:30pm if I'm lucky, or 2pm if I was really slow waking up. I see what's going on at work (nothing much), sit down and surf the web for a while. Lately I've been dozing off at 5pm or so, maybe all the way to 7pm. I wake up again, if there was something to do I usually wait until 8pm or so and maybe later. Eventually I take care of whatever needed to be done, leave work at 9:30 or 10pm (shift ends at 9), get home and do whatever I'm doing to spend time (WoW lately, watch tv, surf the web, etc otherwise). I'm not really tired until 3am or so, I probably don't even get to sleep until 4am, and then I wake up at noon again..
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    contemplative contemplative
Happy Cute

The other side of summer

My last post said that I was feeling down lately. That was a while ago now. I'd say it's not really true right now.

What I do feel, pretty often, is very tired. On the other hand, there was this energy drain in my brain back then which feels like it's gone, at least for now. Overall life's not too bad. I still need to lose weight, work harder and/or get a new job that pays more, find a better living place, and find a girlfriend. But I'm feeling a bit more peaceful now.

I think my previous mental state could be described by Trent Reznor in "Down In It". "All the world's weight is on my back, and I don't even know why." To be honest, I probably do know what the weight on my shoulders was, but it wasn't one thing. Basically, I've had all the missing things in my life, all the stuff I've put off, should have done, etc, piling up, and it was starting to drag me down.

Part of my peace is probably just letting some things go. Other parts probably involve things which may seem shallow, like having a good time in WoW lately, but are ultimately pretty important in the overall scheme of "feeling successful".

I'm not sure there's too much more to say, but seeing that "I feel depressed" post as my top post just seems wrong, since it's only true as of however long ago it was.
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    calm calm
Scary

The truth

A little rum and coke in me.

I dunno. I just never seem to feel very happy these days. I'm always tired.

I look at my bulging gut and I think "I really should exercise... maybe tomorrow."

I feel like I'm mired in the muck, but by the same token laying around in the muck appeals to my lazy side, my lazy nature.

I need to make something of myself. But I say that and I feel no conviction behind it.

Maybe I just need to be happy with where I am, and then work from there?

I dunno.

----

To expand on this a little:

I'm not depressed in the sense that I'd think of doing anything bad to myself.

I'm just kind of in that place in life where I'm in my little raft in the middle of the ocean and I'm kind of wishing I had an outboard motor, because my little paddle sucks pretty hard.

Hell, I wouldn't mind seeing the shore, even.

That's the thing, though. The shore represents some sort of goal. I guess I do have a goal, and that's to get laid, or less coarsely to find a mate to live my life with. This is a natural animal urge and I can't disagree with it.

But I get in a contemplative mood and I think - y'know.. that might be all there is to life. Get laid. Have kids. Earn enough money so that they can get on the treadmill and pop out some more humans.

I guess my point is that I occasionally think about writing the great American novel, not only as a new job and source of income, but also to be able to mark my existence on this Earth we call home.

Well, two points. The other one is that I feel kind of crappy more often than not lately.
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    lazy lazy
Fuku

What's my age again?

It's funny, because I find Blink 182 to be trite and uninteresting, but I think I've been influenced by one of their songs. They have one with a line that's something like "nobody likes you when you're twenty three". For whatever reason, I've always sort of felt like I stopped paying attention to birthdays after the age of twenty three. Beyond that, I sort of feel like I haven't really progressed in maturity since then.

On the other hand, oftentimes I feel like I'm a twelve year old lost in the confusing world of grown ups. Or else I have some insight into how the world really is and everyone else is only about seven years old, still reacting to the shadow in the corner that's really just a coat.

One of the things that I've been feeling lately is the conflict between what I am and what I was. This is to say, I have a desk in my apartment that acts as shelving, but takes up more space than shelving. But I've had that desk since I was twelve or so. Realistically I should just throw it away, or give it away, and just get some extra shelving which could hold my handful of Playstation games. Then again, in this sort of mood I also look at my Playstation, and my Nintendo in the closet, and I say to myself - do I really need these things anymore?

And yet, if I were to give or throw my stuff away, it almost feels like I'm disrespecting the people that gave me those things, or dishonoring the good times I had with them. In some respects I think I probably have some of the same mentality that Jim ends up complaining about in the form of Bill's room. On the other hand, I know I am capable of saying goodbye to objects, because I should own the objects, they should not own me. Do they?

If someone knows someone that would like some ancient Nintendo games and gear, I pretty much feel like I no longer especially care about them. My Playstation stuff still feels like it has some life to it, although at this point I'm pretty sure my PS2 is mostly hosed and I'd want to get a PS3, but replacing what was stolen and not recovered by the police doesn't seem that exciting either.

Hell, even my anime collection is pretty extensive and hasn't been used in a while. Granted, that's because my PS2 is worn out and I don't have a DVD player for my TV, and I've never been one to watch films at my computer. I think in the case with the anime is that I'd probably have to hang on to some certain selections, but then the rest of it is probably sellable chaff at this point.

I've only visited Jim's house once, but I liked the Spartan feel to his room. Not to say that it was totally bare, but he had some stuff that he used and then that was it. My room is part "place to live" and part "storage facility", and I think eliminating the second part would make the first part feel more comfortable.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
Smallrei

At it's highest levels, WoW is less of a game and more of a social experience

This post contains thinking which may be classified as either philosophical or even religious in nature, so if it sounds like silly incoherence then that may be because it is.

If you were to ask me what my religious beliefs were, I'd probably tell you that I'm an atheist. The thing is, I don't really know one way or the other whether there's a diety out there that cares, or doesn't care, about our daily goings on in this thing called life. What I do know is that Humans are imperfect beings with imperfect logic and imperfect perceptions who probably have their own agenda, and so when the preacher on the television calls out to "Jay-zus" he's running a lot of hot air through his mouth and not much else. At least, not in the sense of anything that really matters in regards to what he's talking about or alluding to. But there might be a grain of something in what he's doing that is real.

A while back I saw an anime called Serial Experiments: Lain and if I understand correctly, one of the basic ideas is that all humans are somehow connected to a thing that is a lot like the internet, but it's just the normal electrical signals our brains are generating that causes the effect. (Well, in the show it might be a bit more than that, but work with me.) In other words, the human population is weakly but broadly connected in a manner that might be described as "psychic". Ever since seeing and understanding the anime I've felt like this might be one of the underlying truths of Humanity.

Consider the twins, siblings, and parents that know when something has happened to a loved one. Consider that relationships tend to make a person feel more alive, even if what's being emphasized is the hurting. Consider that when you feel alone, it often hurts so much that people will feel like life is not worth living. And that when you feel loved, it's unimaginable that anything bad could happen. And what is love? It's a question for the ages, but I'd say that "love" is trust in a person which is deep and abiding. You know that they will be there for you and that their physical presence gives you an energy just as yours gives them an energy.

So everyone's connected, what's that got to do with religion? Well, people often need guidance and instruction. They know they work better together as a group, but how do you unite a bunch of people with a bunch of different characteristics and interests? A good story seems to bring the minds of many together as one. And while I'd say the Bible is basically just a story book, it's also a tool that can be used to tap into the psychic energy of the "mass mind". It allows people to join the mass mind and at the same time focuses the energy of the mind into specific directions.

One of the "big questions" in life is "what is (my/Humanity's) purpose?" So far I haven't been able to discern one. It looks like we're just highly evolved animals that are at a bit of an evolutionary plateau. But I'm not sure that there needs to be an answer to the question. When people are born they have been coded via their genes to have a variety of characteristics. Tall, short, slim, fat, yes those are certainly part of the information. And they might even leak into other parts of the characteristics of a person. But I'd say there are also mental characteristics which are formed at birth and then are shaped during growth. There is a debate about "nature vs nurture" in a variety of things, but I'd guess that more often than not it's going to be both factors combined. The combination of factors will lead one person to be a janitor and another person to be a rocket scientist. And then they will (or won't) have kids who continue the pattern.

There are a lot of parallels between people and computers. People made computers, and for a while computers were pretty primitive, but I feel like modern computing reveals as much about the humans that made it as it does to conform to Godwin's Law. People, much like computers, have different hardware specs in their heads. Computers have a spectrum of different operating systems and software, and when it comes down to it people have a myriad of "software" in their heads as well. It's really not surprising that as a race we seem to be so fucked up and conflicted. Imagine if you had to support a network that ran 500,000 Windows 3.1 boxes, 6 million Linux boxes, 50 million Windows XP boxes, and 35 million pure Unix boxes. And then there would be viruses and software being swapped around the network all day long, and some boxes wouldn't be able to run the software, and some boxes would crash when the software was installed, and some might need to be reformatted before they can work properly. And memes run around the internet, and people hate other people for saying things which just can't be true, and people's worlds come crashing down as new information is presented to them, and people get reborn into a new belief system and suddenly the world seems fresh and new and right.

Still, though, the computer case that your computer has says something about the hardware inside, and the appearance of a person says something about what's in their head. Likewise, computers have their blinking lights, and there is certainly a world of nuance and information that can be read from a person just by their behaviors and expressions. Is the bond that people share strictly related to the mass mind? No, there's probably some physical elements as well. If I had a religion, maybe I'd say that I believed in the mass mind. But I'm not sure that's the right way to think about it. Remember, religion is still mostly just a story to have the preacher guide you into the mass mind and then to have the mass mind apply itself in a controlled manner. As I said, we're basically still just animals. The mass mind might be a feature of our particular kind of animal, but it's not really a god. It can, however, probably do the things that people tend to consider "miracles" or "acts of god". Do we have a purpose in life? Maybe we do. Maybe our purpose is to find our purpose. Not in the grand philosophical sense, but rather, if we were born as a "scalpel" type person, we need to find out that we are a doctor, or a mugger, or a soldier, or an editorialist. Then our purpose is fulfilled and so are we.

..................So.......

What is the purpose of my life?
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    contemplative contemplative
Scary

Random crap

I saw Star Trek with Maggie on Saturday. It was a pretty good film. There is one major element of the film which I will not discuss explicitly so as to avoid spoiling, but I'll say that I both understand, and maybe even appreciate a little bit, what they did, but at the same time I also feel like it was sort of unnecessary and a bit gimmicky and maybe even not entirely in the spirit of what Gene Roddenberry would have wanted. Despite that the film was well cast and well acted, the plot was mostly good, and it's probably one of the better films I've seen in the last few years.

Before heading out to work on Friday I had SciFi on and they were showing a couple Outer Limits episodes. I'm not sure if I've commented on this before, and I'm too lazy to go back and look, but I find The Outer Limits to be.. hmm. Tacky? Low quality? I guess we can go with that. The thing is - most of the stories have some core of an interesting question to them. "What would happen if war and plague killed all men on the planet and you woke up from cryo freeze as the last man on Earth?" It's sort of an interesting question, but then the remaining women (note that I didn't say Humanity was destroyed) all live in a sort of Quaker lifestyle. Except the old infrastructure still exists as far as power lines. But the power lines don't work because there's no generator. Power could be used to power the flour mill, but there isn't power. There isn't water either, because a town near a dam decided to try to fix the dam. So actually, there is power. But they're all Quakers, not in the "lacking electricity" sense, but rather in the "living simple and sharing with everyone" sort of sense. Except of course the next town is actually fucking the current town by stealing their river. But the saintly living women survivors are kind and generous and stupid and so that's cool. But of course the man sees injustice in what's being done, after he's woken up, so he tries to make things right. But of course electricity is a symbol of the old way that caused all the death and destruction, so even the town that's fucking the other town isn't sure they really want electricity, it's sort of a nervous experiment. So eventually the man steps up and tries to get some electricity for the town who's river is no longer running, but that's a bad thing and it all goes to shit and eventually he gets put back in cryo sleep, but not before the old woman calls him by his name. It turns out that they were in love before the war. .... .... .... I dunno. Overall the story didn't have much punch for me. Was it really about being the last man on Earth? Was it some sort of star crossed love story? Was it a socio-political commentary on man's self-destructiveness? Ultimately it came off as tacky and low quality and just wasn't that good. But then, that seems to be how most Outer Limits stories go.

In a similar vein, I was watching SciFi today and they had horror movies on. First was Saw, then Saw II, then this straight-to-dvd film called "Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead". In Saw the serial killer, who is ultimately the star of the series (and that might be a clue about the series right there) wants to test people who have lost their way. He wants to instill a certain.. joie de vivre in them. And he wants to do it by having them, for example, fish a queue ball out of their small intestine to stop some machine from ripping all their hair off at the same time while all the small wounds incite a swarm of ticks to drain the victim dry (not an actual example). The point is that he's trying to "guide" or "teach" people through a means which is already bound to fail from the start. Not to mention he's already "judged" these people as being unworthy in the first place, so where's the surprise when they turn out to be "unworthy"? I mean, the twist about this series is supposed to be that even thought the villain is being cruel and evil, he's also in his own way being just and trying to enlighten humanity. Plus, the thing is that, while one could argue that he's either not being played with fairly or simply omitting information, part of the traps often include some form of lie which makes it even harder for the victim to know how to properly escape. Sometimes the lie is something that another of the victims can shed light on, but due to animosities this does not happen. So essentially his traps are a bit like picking the Ace of Spades out of a deck that's got 51 deuces in it, and the cards are covered in acid. Or are made from skin and feces. Or whatever. Oh, and Joy Ride 2 was just an average (lame) horror film. The evil trucker was somehow omniscient and the guys in the film cried like little girls when confronted with adversity while the girls in the film bonded and fought for their friends. And then the trucker "died" at the end. And then after the fade to black there's another scene where the trucker is still alive and doing his thing. Which was pretty much entirely predictable.

This got me thinking a little. The guys in the trucker film weren't scrawny pencil necked dudes, one was definitely fairly healthy and well built, the other was a "third generation emo punk" but he still seemed like he'd be ok in a fight. But rather than expressing any toughness or stoicism at all when shit was on the line, instead they just sat there and cried and pounded the table they were sitting at. What would it be like if one of them was some sort of zen master black belt at Kung-Fu instead? I guess what I'm trying to say is that the point of horror films is to have people that are panicked and not thinking clearly. But in the particular style of horror movie that I saw today, the villains were just humans. If you were fighting a demon who's muscles also formed heavy-arms proof armor, then yeah, I could see panicking and crying and all that going on. But when you're faced with another human being you pretty much always stand some sort of chance, because humans aren't perfect. A sadistic evil genius could still forget and leave the gas on or something. Or, you know, you could just sucker elbow him in the gut while he's not suspecting it, then while you have the upper hand you stomp his teeth in. Problem solved. Consider survival horror games. In those you're often fighting against supernatural enemies, and yet the protagonist (you) is a stoic hero who might react to the horrors presented to him, but ultimately still pulls the trigger and fights through it. Often the cinematics at the end of the game fuck you (in Silent Hill) or not (in Resident Evil) but even then you'll often survive, and when you don't it's due to being a jackass or after some sort of revelation that allows the overall story of the series to progress.

In other news, I got a coffee pot on Friday as well as a little table.. well technically a 2-shelf bookshelf, to put it on. I finally put the bookshelf together last night, so I've given the coffeemaker a whirl today. Not too bad. I'm going to have to learn how to use it properly though, I put in way too much water even after having put in a lot of coffee grounds, so the coffee came out as a sort of dirty water. The pot sat for a while though, and it seemed to strengthen as time went on. But I'll have to put less water in next time (a lot) and maybe less grounds in as well (a little).
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    awake
Scary

Are you smarter than Dylan Sprouse?

A couple random things. Mom tested my (sort of fasting) blood sugar while I was down there. I was something like 105, which is good.

What the fuck is it with these celebrity IQ tests lately? And the one that I always see lately is "Are you smarter than Dylan Sprouse?" I had to look up who he was.. some 15 year old who's in a Disney show called The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Also, they're announcing to the world that his score was 115. Which, as far as IQs go, isn't really something to brag about. I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for him for being in a stupid ad, for being publicly branded as stupid (well.. average), or to be part of the Disney child rearing machine. Since that worked out so well for Britney and the rest of those guys from the previous generation...
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    bitchy bitchy
Geeky Fuku

Dreaming

So I guess I need to get a schedule tracker or something, because it turns out that I have no idea when certain things are scheduled. This weekend was Joe's surprise 30th birthday. Jim also wanted to stop by. I saw these two things as being non-exclusive, since usually I go over to Joe's to play Rock Band or something, and of course Jim is a big rhythm game fan. But then for Christmas my Mom had gotten tickets to see this Queen tribute band. And that sounded like a good time too. But one was in New Bedford and one was in Boston and they were both at the same time. So, it kinda sucked to have to bail on Joe and Jim, but the concert was pretty good. And I'm sure there will be some other opportunity to introduce my friends to each other.

Anyways, last night I had this dream. I was on the docks in Japan, getting off some sort of ship at a port where a lot of people were entering Japan.. perhaps illegally. I met up with this guy who was street savvy and he brought me to a hotel where the receptionist was going to make a false ID for me. She could speak English, and for some reason she had to generate an ID for me that stated that I was in a symphony.

So then dream jump cut and I'm in this symphony practice standing behind a timpani drum. I'm beating out this pattern lightly while everyone else is sort of milling around and getting prepared. Eventually the practice starts, but since I'm just some gaijin that just got off the boat I have no idea when I should actually be playing the drum, so I'm just standing there listening to the practice. Then I woke up.

I've always enjoyed the violin, and I keep thinking that maybe I should get one and take some lessons and see if I'll like playing it. Lately I've really been feeling like my job sucks, but I really don't know if I want to look for another position in the computer field. I mean, where I am right now doesn't involve dealing with customers, so that's an upside, but I think if I were to get into a better job I'd either have to learn more skills or else deal with customers. And probably both. And if the arcade taught me anything, it's that I really dislike dealing with customers.

Perhaps this is my so-called midlife crisis, although I'd like to think I'll be around for more than 60 years. But I've always felt that a creative job would be most fulfilling, and I also enjoy music greatly. Well, I used to enjoy music. Most of the crap on the radio today sucks. Anyways, I don't really suggest that I'm going to quit my job and form a rock band, but I still need to do something with my life while I still have some life to do something with.
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    impressed introspective