bakapyrite (bakapyrite) wrote,

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Perfect chaos

I'm sort of thinking about looking around at the LiveJournal communities and maybe joining one or two that interest me. Lately I've sort of felt like I need something. To the point, I guess I need a girlfriend or something. There's the part of me that's afraid, which looks at the possibility of having one, and tries to erect barriers around myself. These walls keep people and pain out, true, but they keep me in. And after a while, that is a pain in and of itself.

I'm afraid that I won't be interesting.
I'm afraid that I will be offensive.
I'm afraid that my obsessions will be trifles to my mate.
I'm afraid that my physical appearance and blemishes will scare the person off.
I'm afraid that I simply won't have anything to offer in a union.
I'm afraid that I will be weak.
I'm afraid that I will be stupid.
I'm afraid that my problem solving nature would be viewed as unwanted meddling.
I'm afraid that I will be too lazy.
I'm afraid that I will be alone.
I'm afraid that my nature to please others will push them away.
I'm afraid that my muse has left me.
I'm afraid that anyone who interests me already has a boyfriend.

I know that I am stable.
I know that I can be strong.
I know that I can help people.
I know that I am intelligent.
I know that I can see problems and often times can see solutions to them.
I know that I can be funny.
I know that I can be ..well.. decent looking anyways.
I know that I can be creative.
I know that I can be self-dependant.

Ultimately, I might just have standards which are too high, or else my effort is too low to search for someone to meet them. I think about the person I'd want to be with, and it's really not a matter of physical attractiveness. Sure, being an animal, there is some level of that factored in. But what I really want is someone that can be strong when I am not, that can understand the weird shit that my mind likes to generate, and that basically understands me. And that I understand them. A love of video games and anime is a big plus, but I'm not going to be too picky in that regard, as both are still somewhat niche forms of entertainment.

Here's a weird promise I made to myself some time in the past. I looked at what everyone else was doing, getting girlfriends. This was probably in high school. Everyone tended to meet someone from their own town, and go out with them. I looked at that, and I was like, "I'm going to be different. I'll move to Japan, find some girl from there, and marry her." It's weird, I'll look at women from America, and many of them will have interesting faces, or perhaps bodies, but they're American. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my younger self just shrugs. Now, I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I think that a person can make their own fate. Honestly, I don't really know about the moving to Japan thing any more. From a financial standpoint it would be tricky. From a social standpoint, they might not have the same issues we have here, but they're still fucked up in their own special ways. So it's not like "it's better over there" in a strict sense of the phrase. Would an Asian girlfriend be cool? Hell yeah. But everyone is a person, before being an ethnicity. The flesh is merely the vial in which the soul exists. It's the soul with which a person can be mated.

(As an aside, I don't really believe in the Christian God, or in their view of souls, but I do think that there exists something in a person which defines them. It might be the collected data of a lifetime combined with the processor which is their brain, but even if it's just that, calling it a soul is better than calling it a person's data and hardware. I also believe that data and hardware can allow for things such as kharma. Reincarnation is a bit trickier, but things which a person can feel and know outside the body are quite possible, in my mind.)

Anyways, as much as I might like to think in terms of something like Love Hina, I'll admit that happiness can probably be found with any sort of person. Besides, Naru was a bitch. Motoko though... mm.......

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