Anyways, I was lying in bed sort of attempting to get to sleep, but an energy was filling my head. To wit, I was feeling emotion. This might not sound like much of an event, but I've been more or less balanced between low and emotionless for some number of years now. Between the game and sleeping I watched the final Season One disc of Initial D, also about a person who uses great skill to win. I guess it was probably some combination of the two that was making me feel things, and that spurred me to write this post.
I was actually thinking about something sort of unrelated to the items above. Earlier I had noticed that the hose on my vaccuum cleaner was torn at the end, so I brought it down stairs. Dad was able to clip the broken part off and screw the cap on to the new end of the hose. I was also thinking about my bed. Some amount of time ago, the right side of my bed's support bar strained and bent. I said something to him and he called up an steel mill, had them fabricate the right sort of shape, and then he welded it on to the support and fixed it. The point of emphasis about those two events was that I pointed out a problem I had, and using his skills, he fixed the problem within the same day. I was comparing this to my own attitude about helping him with computer problems, and I found myself to be rather lacking. It often takes two or three mentions of something before I even look at it, and then when I fix it, I sort of have an air that it was a relatively trivial issue. Anyways, I wanted to say that I have great respect both for his abilities, and for his good attitude about most everything he works on.
I also got to thinking about my current pattern in life, and was considering both the ways that it was good and the ways that it could be altered. I realize that I have quite a bit of uncertainty about my future work plans, but despite that I strongly feel as though I should have my own place of residence. My family is pretty damned good when it comes to social interaction between ourselves, so I can't really complain about anything in that respect. Essentially, it's something that I want to do for myself. Even though it's never said nor is it enforced, I feel as though I am living in someone else's home. It's a good home, no doubt, but it's not mine. I have a great deal of respect for my parents, but I want to respect myself, and I feel as though I'm lacking that while I'm still in the roost. I'm sure it could be argued that the tribulations wouldn't be worth the effort and that, on the other side of the fence, I'll acknowledge that the grass really wasn't greener, but I believe that I'd rather be on the knowing side of something, rather than on the wondering side.
It's also interesting to look at my room as my own "home" and see how people act within it. This is something I've never mentioned before, as it's a truly trivial matter, but it happens every time, and each time I wonder what the deal is. Actually, it's two things. One, every time Jim plays something on the Playstation, he has to turn my stereo to TV mode. Now, I have no problem with this, but then every time, he leaves it on TV mode. Every time, he turns it *from* CD mode to TV mode, and every time he comes back it's back in CD mode. Every time he leaves, the next time I want to listen to CDs, I have to turn it back to CD mode. Like I said, this is trivial, so it's not something to change one's life about, but it's interesting to observe. The other thing is that Jim tends to leave the TV on after he's turned the Playstation off. For one thing, it still says "Game" on the screen until it's turned off, but that's not really a problem. The other thing, though, is that I can hear a TV when it's turned on, even if nothing is on it. It emits some sort of high-pitched ringing sound. Eventually I turn it off, and I wonder to myself why it was left on.
Moving on to a different topic, I wrote Mason early last week via email. He responded saying he was sick and that he'd respond at length later. So far he hasn't responded yet. On the one hand, I don't really want to bother him, seeing as I really don't know too much about how and what he's doing these days, but on the other hand I'm curious to see how he is. As we've been apart for some time, I've been able to reflect on what he was in my life. Jim is creative and an excellent gamer, but he doesn't like to stray off the path much. Mason is also creative and an excellent thinker, though I think part of our friction was that he also seemed to have a set path to follow. I felt that one of his flaws was that he would not allow an imperfection to exist in others, and would judge them quickly and harshly were any found. Having said that, I could share certain things with him and he'd understand and enjoy them immediately. I'm sitting here trying to think of balanced things to say, but in my estimation it would take a full fledged biography to weigh both the strengths and weaknesses of any individual I might want to talk about. I guess what the jist of it would be, though, is that every person is different and sees the world differently. In my opinion, it's nearly impossible to empirically judge the actions and thoughts that a person excecutes in any given day. We all bring things to the table, and we all take things away from the table too. What each person adds and what each person subtracts is going to be unique to themselves, and even with quite similar people, the logic or methods behind what they do can still differ quite drastically.
I've written this not to attempt to anger anyone, but rather to give them a glimpse in to my own thought process. This is, after all, my journal. I used to keep a journal on my unix machine, and it was actually quite a bit more personal and honest. I'd complain about what my friends were doing, or comment on or praise them, as was warranted. I prefer to maintain a peaceful social front, which is difficult if you vent on people, and that's why a journal is a nice thing to have. I've had a self-imposed ban on writing anything especially controversial in this venue, however, because it's open to the whole world to read, but more importantly, it's open for the people I'm talking about to read. I'm not saying that I'm going to neccesarily continue making posts like this, but it's my feeling at this time that certain things have gotten stale, and that open, honest discussion is what's needed to air things out. Honestly, I've had some degree of "spring cleaning" posts in the past, and so far they haven't really amounted to much, but I'm hoping that something will come of this. I honestly hope I haven't really offended anyone, but if that's what it takes, then so be it.