bakapyrite (bakapyrite) wrote,

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Weekend end ponderances

I've touched upon this theme in various posts in the past, but I want to delve a little bit in to the idea of being asleep and awake. Obviously, there are the basic physical forms - a non-interactive body lying somewhere, and a body that reacts to it's surroundings. But usually when I am talking about being asleep or awake, it is more a question of frame of mind.

It seems that my normal mental state these days is asleep, or sometimes awake but drowsy. What this means is that, given any level of task, I will have minimal or no motivation towards completing the task. A list of such tasks would take far too long to enumerate, but some of the highlights are: cleaning my room, learning something new, getting a new job, responding to mail that I actually need to respond to, doing 100% of the basics at work (nevermind the more complex stuff... though it might be the case that higher complexity tasks are actually easier to get motivated to do). Also, losing weight, looking for a girlfriend, looking for an apartment to move in to, test driving cars to see what I like.

Then you get to one of the most basic steps towards waking up, for me anyways - taking a shower in the morning. After a night of sleep, I generally feel a bit greasy and somewhat groggy. On any given weekday I take a shower before going to work, because I wouldn't be able to function properly otherwise. However, on weekends there isn't a neccessity to function, and then I will often not take a shower one out of two weekend days. The problem with this is that, without taking a shower, I don't clear out of my head whatever it is that burns, and so when I get to the next day, I'm actually more worn out than the previous. It's hard to say what long term effects this has on me, if any, but I have to guess that it contributes to my general lackadaisicality.

Comparing my sleep state to my wakeful state is.. well.. rather like night and day. When I'm truly awake it's easy to complete things and there's no internal inertia weighing me down. If I wanted to learn something or do something, I'd simply do it. I could still fail at a given task, but the failure wouldn't bear much sting because I'd try to get it right next time, or fix what I did wrong.

Today is Sunday. Yesterday I went out with Bill, and since I went out, I took a shower. Today I didn't have to go anywhere, and while I thought about taking a shower, I didn't. However, I did just wash my face and body with water from the bathroom sink, which seems to have cleared my head up a bit - which is probably why I'm even posting in the first place. Since I've got the motivation to do it. Now, that's not to say that I'm awake by any means. I still feel as though I'm really basically asleep. It's my hope, though, that if I continue to excersize my mind by writing posts and maybe doing.. anything really.. that one day I will again be awake.

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