bakapyrite (bakapyrite) wrote,

The negatives of positivity

When I was at Nan Desu Kan I was severly drunk. At one point I woke up and could have possibly thrown up. If I had, I would have let a lot of poison out of my stomach and I might not have been badly hung over for the next day and some-odd time.

However, my reaction to an upset stomach is simply to rest and let it wear off. In the case of nearly all upset stomachs, this tactic is fine and it saves the unpleasant smell and cleanup of vomit. Naturally, my "gut reaction" in this case was the wrong one, but since I hold to certain ways of doing things as highly as some might value a code of honor I was penalized.

Ultimately one of the major flaws I have is that I am somewhat risk-averse. I'm not sure if that's entirely correct, since I'll occasionally drive in aggressive (ie: vaguely dangerous) ways. I am also deeply afraid of failing and of rejection. Perhaps "also" might not be needed, since the first statement and that one are most likely related. At any rate, throwing up is like giving up and admitting that I'm wrong (or that something is wrong with me) and since I have issues with that I find it incredibly difficult to do.

The ultimate point of this is that there are two forces in the world, positive and negative, ying and yang, growth and decay, however you want to look at them. While you basically can't ever completely embody one aspect with no trace of the other, people are still capable of leaning heavily in one direction, and at this point in my life I feel as though I've strayed far out of balance and towards the white part of the ying-yang symbol, and have lost sight of the black side. Or maybe it's the other way, but at any rate, sometimes you need to change things up to be able to continue on.

I think the next step is that I need to find a new place to live.

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