bakapyrite (bakapyrite) wrote,

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The Bearable Heaviness of (my) Being

Occasionally I'll contemplate, briefly, what my past-self reaction would be to my current state. My current state at the time of contemplation is not always the same, but I guess it'd be fair to say that it's usually sort of a negative feeling that I'm experiencing at the time.

Nine years ago I worked for Genuity. I was friends with Mason and Jim and distantly Mike and I lived with my parents. I watched anime and I played console games. I had been a hardcore, you might say addicted, MUDder and that had lead to my downfall in college, but I had eventually recovered and was feeling pretty good about where my path was going in the world. A year or two later I'd randomly find that Sojourn was still around and my descent into gaming addiction would begin again, but at the time I felt clean. It seemed that I'd probably get a job on the software side of things and get paid pretty well as long as I persevered in the "entry level" hardware job that I was doing. That past me had an idea for where life was going and also had the energy to do the things that needed to be done. I was still describable as "fat" but was lighter than I am now.

What I usually think about is what that old self would tell me what to do with myself now, and/or I wonder if my old self could even see becoming the me that I am now. I guess it'd also be interesting to tell myself about things that have happened. I could have me slap some sense into Mason and Jim before the fact of the Amanda incident, and tell Mason that investing his time in online gaming will lead to a very painful time in his life if he starts or lets it get out of control. Then again, who knows? Without the first thing, maybe the second thing never would have come about. Then I'd also tell myself to deal with management a little bit better, even if the particular person I'm thinking about always seemed a little bit distasteful anyways. I think I'd also tell myself to move out of my parent's house a hell of a lot sooner than I actually did. I'm 32 years old and I'm still getting used to being an independant person in many ways.

Lately my job's been fairly irritating. For a while there I really didn't have much to do at all, and while that presents it's own problems (inertia set to non-movement), at least it's not quite as actively stressful. The company has a remote site in New York that used to have one employee who would handle the daily operation of the place. It's apparently a pretty small site, and a few months ago they laid off the employee at the site and had us start monitoring the backup server there. The problem is that, being a small site, the place has a small backup server which nevertheless tends to have huge issues going about it's daily business. It doesn't help that we basically have to call some random schmuck and imagine in our heads what they're doing when we're directing them to do something that'd be pretty simple if there was still a guy there that knew what he was doing. The jukebox itself holds 100 tapes, but the CAP (cartridge access port) only holds 4 tapes. Every Monday and Friday we shuffle tapes around, and the unit can go through 30-60 tapes every time. It's a fucking slow process to eject and import the tapes to begin with, and since the CAP only holds 4 tapes to begin with, every time I have to shuffle 60 tapes it takes two hours. One thing to understand about data centers is that there are a lot of fans blowing all the time. This means that it sounds like a wind tunnel over the phone whenever you're listening to someone in a data center. And that means that I have to listen to a wind tunnel for two hours. Not to mention our office is directly connected to our data center, so I've already got background fan noises running for my whole shift anyways. But, as mentioned, this little backup server is like a really yappy, growly little Napoleon toy dog that thinks way too highly of itself and is super fussy. So it won't properly read the labels of a couple tapes, which means five more minutes ejecting and re-importing the tapes, and then ejecting them and putting a new tape in. And then it'll turn out that for some reason the guy who brings the tapes on and off site brought back tapes from two weeks ago that should still be off site for a year, so then we have to eject those 20 tapes and import 20 more. At any rate, it's almost uniformly a total clusterfuck and it's moving my already pretty ambivalent attitude about my job downward at a pretty quick pace.

I feel like I need to start working on my body. I've been feeling run down lately, and if I were able to physically refresh myself I think I'd also mentally refresh myself. It wouldn't change the outside world much, of course, the cultural wasteland of entertainment these days certainly doesn't revolve around my health, but at least it'd be something I'd have.

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